to life and remembering to live
what does living mean to me these days? what does living mean to you?
it’s a sunday. i’m in bed, lying on my tummy while typing these words, hoping that by the end of this, there’s some thoughtful takeaway i can get from it. honestly, i have been putting this off for so long, and you know what, today will be the day that i am just gonna go for it.
when i moved here from my former blog in wp, i was excited about being on a new platform, that i could probably, finally, write. lmao. it’s been about 2 years ish since.
just so we can establish some expectations, i am not offering anything of value by being here. that’s been what’s stopping me from writing something. i keep thinking about what value i can offer so that you, dear reader, won’t feel like it was a waste of time being here. i mean, maybe. it could also really BE a waste of time? haha. but thank you for wasting it here, anyway. :))
idk really. what’s valuable for me? what’s valuable for you?
right now, i value being in this headspace, being able to come up with these words because heaven knows how much i have struggled inside my head. i have not done long-form journaling in a looooong time, so my brain’s all gdsfagjhdsafajsdlk. y’know what i mean? i’m just untangling all these words one by one.
i value the vulnerability and courage to take some space here so i can address my thoughts by writing them here, that somehow maybe it will make some sense. someone once told me my words hold weight because those are my truths. so, yes. here they are.
i think about living often.
i find myself constantly thinking if i am living right.
living. to live. to be alive.
such an active, action-oriented word. i take a look at my life now and how it feels so… stationary. metaphorically, and in the most literal sense. is this me doing the best that i can, to live? i know we define our own lives, and i have made certain decisions that led me to live this life now. choices were definitely made. and, i made those choices, too. and it’s not like i regret them. no, that’s not it. i feel it’s not about regretting those choices but being uncertain if those choices are still right for me, right now, in this phase of my life.
idk Misty, maybe you’re just bored out of your mind. go out. touch some grass, maybe.
jokes aside, i do go out every now and then. i hate it sometimes though. and then i think about the girl that i was in my 20s and how outgoing and active she was. she truly lived. or maybe she was mostly trying to survive?
it’s a sunday. i’m in our bedroom, while my husband, q, is in the living room watching the matrix for the nth time. why? idk, he was in the mood for it. lol.
i like that we’re both just existing in our own spaces here at home, and living in the way we feel like at this time. it’s some kind of quiet comfort i enjoy.
we both struggled with drawing boundaries with our work. that’s the downside of being wfh sometimes. we’re working on it though. i help him, he helps me.
i wasn’t going to go online, too, but i felt the tug again to write something, or, anything. who knows if this ever gets posted, or not? if you’re reading this, hooray, me-in-this-timeline! keep going!
we’re going to try playing pickleball this week. ugh. q’s boss plays it too, and he’s been bugging him for months to play also. he finally sent q some extra cash so he would (be forced to) buy a set. and, he did. so now i have to play with him too. ugh. i mean, i know i will have fun with anything that q and i will do together, i’m just ugh-ing because, why pickleball, whyyyyyy. i don’t want to be whiny, but WHY. i just can’t take it seriously. HELP.
ok. whining over.
idk. maybe i’ll end up enjoying it. who knows.
i think about living often.
i think about wanting to live, to live, to live
(despite, despite, despite)
(props to you, if you get that reference. :) )
tbh, i can’t find it in myself to not want to live.
early this year, a close friend and i decided on our word, or i guess in this case, phrase of the year. this was mine: steadily moving forward with grace & love
again, an action-oriented phrase.
i’m thankful that that phrase has truly helped me deal with some moments of ragequitting, or is there such a thing as anxietyquitting. or is that just a breakdown?? hahaha. :|
no, really. it’s a good thing that i remembered that when it mattered the most.
so, we are going to try, (and by we, i mean me) to steadily move forward. with (rage &) grace and love.
movement is life. or so brad pitt says in world war z.
to live is to move. to act.
my restless thoughts may be prompting me to live.
i’ve spent a lot of time just be-ing, maybe i need to do some meaningful do-ing now. (mind the keyword)
to truly living. not just surviving.
— Misty
ps.
thank you for rpwp, joonie. listening to this album while writing *waves arms around* all these, has helped me win the idgaf war with myself. now, let’s just hope i won’t pull out this post later. 🥴
hello misty, its nice to hear that from you. here's a quote to think about.
maybe itll mean something to you, it helped me.
"To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. " ~ Friedrich Nietzsche