Something from May 2021

Here's some stream of consciousness writing from a few years back which still resonates with me. In the spirit of bravery and vulnerability, I'm putting it all here.

Okay, I have been overthinking a lot the past weeks about the writing challenge I have been wanting to work on.

The thing is, I have a draft. I HAVE been working on it, adding sentences now and then, omitting paragraphs, putting it back again, deleting it, adding different ideas, and then, backspacebackspacebackspacebackspace. Rinse & repeat. 

I can't make up my mind. 

*insert a long exasperated sigh*

What I need to reconcile with myself is that that’s what writing is. A lot of back and forth, deleting and adding words, finding words, being happy to find the right words, feeling proud of a single sentence one day, and then being disgusted with it the next.

I have to learn how to LET THINGS GO. 

I need to let go of the thoughts that keep me from writing more–from moving this cursor forward.

Forward, forward. Even if the words are not perfect.

At this point, my goal is to keep this momentum of getting all my ideas out. Whatever it is, just need to keep on pushing them. Even though I think my thoughts are invaluable and utter garbage.

That's how decluttering works, right? You toss out what you don’t need anymore, and keep the ones that only spark joy. 

Is this me tossing out all the garbage in my head? 

Yes. 

I have a lot of thoughts, and I cram them all sometimes when I write. Most especially if it's something personal. And then when I do, I feel icky and disgusted to bare myself so openly. 

I need to let go of the Misty who wants to maintain a facade she is graceful in accepting everything that happens in her life. 

Honestly, I'm not. 

Not at all.

Although, I don't know if it's a facade, or maybe just my way of processing and comforting myself. 

You know, like, how you 'fake it till you make it?’ Or making yourself smile even if you're sad because the act itself convinces your brain that it's happy, but it's really not, but then you also kind of feel a tiny bit better when you do? It's sort of like that.

If that even makes sense.

I want to let go of my fear of being judged on how I think or express my thoughts. 

Right now, I am still resenting many things from my past, and it reflects on how I write. I get so bitter and whiny, and I don't like it. Every time I steer towards that tone when I write something, I instantly want to scratch everything up and just stop, close my laptop, and shut my brain off. 

I know. I shouldn't do that.

When I deny myself the need to be bitter and whiny when I write, I am invalidating my thoughts already. That tendency alone I think is not good for me, especially when I'm struggling to keep up with writing consistently. 

Okay, fine. I'll be that way, for as long as I need to be.

But, I hope to finally move on from that and be able to write things that are more lighthearted and positive. Because honestly, the world needs more of those.

And, overall I want to write better and wider.

I have always treated writing as a way of processing my thoughts and emotions. That’s how it was ever since I started to blog way back...2005. 

And then social media came around, bringing with it the satisfaction of expressing ourselves instantly. Because of that, I got lazy with articulating myself in a longer form of writing.

I want to break that.

I have days when I want to get rid of all my social media accounts and just focus on writing it all on my blog. That way I can channel everything into my writing, my thoughts, feelings, memories, or whatever it is that comes to mind. 

Easier said than done.

One more thing that I truly need to let go of is the notion that nobody will read what I write. 

I always vacillate between wanting someone to read what I write and not writing anything because no one will read it anyway, deleting everything that I've written, erasing my entire existence in the interwebs, and going off-grid.

So extreme? 

To be quite honest, I'd love for someone to read what I write, no matter how random or senseless it can be. 

It's like finding a person who will pay attention to you when you talk.

It's not even just about validation, it simply feels good when someone listens, to have someone you can connect to. I mean, in all honesty, we all want to be heard. All the more so when we feel compelled to get things out of our chest. 

With this, I decided to just let go and write.

I hope to slowly build momentum.

Every day I always think that I’d like to write about something that comes to mind, but I end up not doing it. Or, when I do, it all gets stuck in the black hole that is my notes app. Haha.

They will see the light of day. Soon. I want to believe it.

More than anything, I want to write more for myself.

I hope I can surpass all these mental hurdles.

I want to be stronger in my resolve to be consistent and brave with putting my thoughts into words, sentences, and maybe, on a good day, paragraphs.